spirit of surrim

This day started different. In the morning I had the strong feeling that I have to work on myself - something was wrong or at least different. I was not speaking much, not eating much the last days. I spent a lot of time alone - in my tiny room at the farm and outside at the big field of meditation, only with bugs and bees around me.

Yesterday I was laying on my bed and did nothing. I had no idea what to do, nothing motivated me. I didn't want to build handmade stuff, to go out or cycle, read something, phone anybody, share,... just nothing. Yesterday and the day before I said I'm feeling "kuschelig" (cuddly).

The last days I was thinking of somebody from the Netherlands, maybe the most inspiring person for me till now. I started to chat but couldn't write what I wanted to express. Like beeing in love and trying not to speak about it.

As I left the field in the morning I met the creator of the Holistic Healing Center where I am currently working. "How are you? Everything okay?" I shaked my head. "Why?" I really didn't know, what to say. My tears came, everything came. Too much.

The guy has such a big heart. We went up to the house to talk together. Then he said what I tried to ignore: I'm feeling alone. And yes, sure. The last 10 months I didn't have really long stays with somebody, I'm cycling alone. I met so many persons, but I left them all to continue. This is not what humans are made for - I am no exception.

The last days I was trying to chat online or write mails but it's not the same. Time has passed, situations are changing.

So what can I do? When I said I'm cuddly the people here made a joke and told me I can cuddle with the cat. It's not the same and I'm very careful with body contacts (maybe because of hidden traumas from my past when I was in the discos as a highly sensitive person). I can't go back to Bochum where I met all the nice people in the past. Today everything is canceled, many people are afraid.

It was the moment where I felt lost. Lost in reality with no idea what to do.